Over the last couple of years, I have seen a lot of articles about understanding introverts, and as more and more people self-identify and scream to be understood, introverts have become something of a superior, protected class in modern society. A personality hipster, they ironically have permission to demand to be known, while keeping you at a safe distance because they just CAN'T EVEN.
From the extrovert with a capital E: how do I get to know you? How do I know? How do I? How do? How?
Just let me love yoooooooooooooou.
So, without further ado, for those of you frustrated or fascinated by the extroverts in your lives, I present my own guide to the care of your own extrovert.
1. Human contact is a need for us. It's not as intense as food or water; it's more like the need for sleep. We won't necessarily die outright if we don't get it on a regular basis, but we'll be unfocused, unhappy, and emotionally unstable. If I go too long without human contact, without touch or conversation or genuine interaction, I get mopey. I may wait around the corner of a dark alley and jump you for a hug. Do you want to have coffee? Breakfast? Lifelong friendship?
Omelet bar anyone?
Other possibilities are the development of social anxiety because we are dependent on being welcome in a social group. Years ago another extrovert friend suggested going to the mall when it started to get bad, and that works somewhat because it's a lot of low-stakes interactions in a short time. It's like eating fast food when you really want a home-grilled steak, but it keeps the worst of it at bay.
An extrovert with social anxiety is just a broken person. And nobody wants that to happen.
2. There are fewer of us than you think there are. Most people are neither clearly extroverted nor introverted, though society works pretty hard to make everyone feel like they're at one extreme or the other. There's a huge middle range of "I like people pretty well in medium-sized doses," but because the world is hell-bent on quantifying and classifying everyone to make sure they feel as unwelcome as possible, most of those folks in the middle get shoved to one side or the other instead of being allowed to just go on enjoying occasional moderately-sized parties and spending occasional afternoons reading alone in the library. Just like getting overwhelmed by the holiday shopping crowds doesn't necessarily make you a true introvert, enjoying a large party once in a while doesn't make you a true extrovert. Think Goldilocks. Juuuuuust right.
3. We need alone time, just much less of it than other people. Just kidding! Hahahaha! I don't think life is very fun alone. Quiet, yes. But alone? Nooooooooooooooo. Can we just sip coffee and read good books in the same room? Please? Do you like British Literature? Because I am thinking I will make a pot of french press Peet's coffee while I read Far from the Madding Crowd, and you can read Pride and Prejudice and every once in a while we will interrupt each other and read the best passages aloud. Because someone needs to know.
4. By the time an extrovert with any sort of self-awareness reaches adulthood, she understands that 'Social Butterfly' is not a lifestyle for everyone, and that other people do not feel the same way about human contact. As noted above, people seem to assume that the world is divided into only introverts and extroverts, and what springs from that is an expectation that people who talk to people are all extroverts bent on making everyone else conform to their behavior. NOT TRUE. We just like you.
5. Contrary to popular belief, it's not an extrovert-friendly world, and it's becoming less so. When I am among people, I make eye contact, smile, maybe chat if there's an opportunity (like being stuck in a long grocery store line). As an extrovert, that's a small boost of energy, a little positive moment in the day. Now, though, more often than not people don't meet one another's eyes, they don't smile or shake hands, they keep earphones in their ears at all times, avoiding human contact. Sometimes I look around, and I'm in a wasteland of empty stares and deaf ears. Even surrounded by people, I can't make any sort of contact or connection, and that's the worst kind of being Alone.
So, let's all seek first to understand, then to be understood. And let's not fall back on our 9 question personality quiz we took on Facebook to determine who we are. Just because you are the most like Disney princess Ariel, your soul is the color blue, your spirit animal is a raccoon, the number of children you should have is 4, your favorite season is autumn, your quiz says you're an introvert and you were voted most likely to be a crazy cat lady in high school, it is still worth it to share yourself with actual human beings. Relationships are all we can truly possess in this world.
