Ok, so there's a lot of talk out there about us girls finding our tribe, how important your girlfriends are as we get older, and sticking with the people that love us as we are.
Here's what I'm navigating right now: what if I found my people, I have a tribe, and one of them is moving away?
Seriously, I'm getting a little PTSD from when things are supposedly running smoothly in life. The other foot is about to drop. Even though change is such a natural part of life, it just doesn't jive with me. It wasn't my idea and therefore my selfish heart wants to reject and put air quotes around these "new ideas."
So here's my perspective. I've never been the leaver, I've only been left. I have had a succession of wonderful friends move away and it just never gets easier. Here's what I wish I could say. And by say I mean I wish I could sky write this. I wish I could spray paint this on their driveway. I wish I could glue this message in Scrabble tiles to the hood of their car.
1. Please don't go.
2. I know I have to be a grown up and I have to watch you drive away and adjust to a new normal without your face or your influence, but it is NEVER the same. I will never wake up and say, I used to have Emily, but now I have my new friend Amy so I don't miss Em any more. I will always miss her. Friends are not replaceable. Sure I will continue to make friends, but nobody ever fills the hole you left.
3. It is a big goodbye. We can visit and we will have girls' weekends and send Christmas cards and stuff, but there's something to be said for running into each other at the gym, and scheduling last minute coffee dates, and borrowing each other's clothes. And making faces at each other in church.
4. We as adults have the resources and ability to stay in contact, but our children, who love each other as much as we do, do not. They will inevitably grow apart and this really messes with my visions of the future.
5. Please don't go. I will visit you if you leave, but please don't go.
The bottom line is that I am up close and personal with the inevitable heartbreak that comes along with loving people. I am trying, most of the time, to be an adult about it but the STRUGGLE IS REAL on this one. I just don't wanna. I am working on becoming a grown up person that can hold friends in my heart and love them from afar if needed. It's so hard and surprising and sad and most days feels like a gut punch. I walk around feeling this awful vague "something is wrong" feeling and then I remember and it hits me all over again. I hate it.
The absolute worst thing about being a fast processor is that my wheels are just spinning through all the arguments, all the possible outcomes, wondering how long it is before the friendship wanes, censoring all of the things I want to say, especially in regard to the future. I can't turn it off. I'm just sad and I can't shake it.
