You guys. I almost named this blog Old Mom and then I was like NO. Just no.
Where do I even start with this school year? My 3 kids have started at 2 new schools. In the space of a week, we went from the recently disdained Summer Freedom to new schools with mommy driving everyone, everyday. We started Bible study, volleyball for Elsa, city league volleyball for me, soccer and basketball for Josh, also I thought maybe I would repaint the interior of my house. Also I run a business from home. Also I am crazy.
Side note, but I am getting a solid C- in the first month of school. We've lost library books, we've lost permission slips, mommy can't volunteer in class because of forgotten applications, I keep showing up to pick up Elsa from volleyball practice at 4:30 and then realize it ends at 5. On Wednesday I forgot my BABY GIRL had early release at 1:30 and I showed up to school at 2 and found her waiting for me in the office. Forget Mom of the Year at this point. I just hope they don't stop allowing Amelia to get milk at lunch because I still haven't given the school any money.
We decided to put my baby into Kindergarten even though she qualified by age by exactly 1 day. She's the youngest possible kindergartener, and she's in full day school. I did not properly prepare myself for this transition, and my brain keeps telling me that it's hard because I needed exactly ONE ENTIRE YEAR of preschool to note all the sweet lasts. Last year of the pumpkin patch field trip, last year of bringing snack to share, last year home with mommy. But then, preschool ended. And the idea of my not exactly genius, but somewhat bright little girl going to back to baby school seemed really silly. She is the boss of that class and she told them so. It's over for us having a cubby with a change of clothes in case of an accident. She knows all the preschool things, and lots of other stuff too, like how to get adults to talk to her and how everyone thinks it's cute when she brags about herself. Heaven help us.
So, without the proper goodbye to her babyhood, this September arrived and with it, the long awaited day. All three kids in school. All day long. I don't want to sound like a bad mom or anything, but I've been anticipating this since 2003, when I had a baby pretty young and was sitting on the couch nursing 94 hours a day and crying for my lost life of freedom. I just don't think most people fully understand how different kids make your life until you have one sweetly squalling in your arms and the responsibility falls like a heavy blanket, but does not include sleep. The buck stops with you. Never before have you been fully responsible for a person, a human being!
So anyway, I've made all kinds of promises to myself in the difficult moments of parenting over the last 13 years. Things like "I will enjoy myself! Go out to lunch with girlfriends! Actually attend Bible study!" But most of all "I WILL NOT BE SAD." And here's the thing... I am. A little bit. It's not overwhelming, and I've been enjoying the school hours ok, it's just that I have come to a new realization about this freedom. First of all, it's a bit of a facade, because I have all the responsibilities of 3 kids in school and running a household and a business and sports schedules and meal prep.
But also. I am SO BUSY during the morning rush, the afternoon pickups, practices, and petitions, that it really highlights that in the middle of it, I am alone.
It just hit me that all of this parenting and child raising and effort and busy life is for the purpose of launching these crazies out into the world and making me more and more alone. And I hate being alone! Can't we arrange something where we gradually introduce roommates as the children move out? You know, fun people who don't hate my cooking and do their own laundry? It could be a bit of an upgrade if I play it right.
So in summary: I probably should make some effort toward personal growth through this season of transition. I am good with kids being in school. SO GOOD. I allow moments of sentimentality occasionally and then I move swiftly back into the moment. The right now, the TODAY that is happening. I am feeling my creative juices (the ones that result in playing pranks on my father in law) starting to flow again. It's ok if you are impressed with how totally Zen I am, because I am going to find myself and the things and people I enjoy during these precious daytime hours. I will go to spin class and I will coach my clients, and I will redecorate. (Honey??)
And these kids will grow and I will enjoy it. And my house will sometimes be quiet and I will enjoy it. And I will hire a cleaning lady because shouldn't the house be cleaner if only I am here all day?
And then the house will be clean and I will enjoy it. And I will drive to the beach if it's going to be sunny and I will enjoy it. And I will have time to be there for my friends and make new ones too and I will enjoy it. And I will read all the books. And I will write. And I will send actual letters to people I love and I will enjoy it. And I will.
Friday, September 30, 2016
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
On Finding Your People and Saying Goodbye
Ok, so there's a lot of talk out there about us girls finding our tribe, how important your girlfriends are as we get older, and sticking with the people that love us as we are.
Here's what I'm navigating right now: what if I found my people, I have a tribe, and one of them is moving away?
Seriously, I'm getting a little PTSD from when things are supposedly running smoothly in life. The other foot is about to drop. Even though change is such a natural part of life, it just doesn't jive with me. It wasn't my idea and therefore my selfish heart wants to reject and put air quotes around these "new ideas."
So here's my perspective. I've never been the leaver, I've only been left. I have had a succession of wonderful friends move away and it just never gets easier. Here's what I wish I could say. And by say I mean I wish I could sky write this. I wish I could spray paint this on their driveway. I wish I could glue this message in Scrabble tiles to the hood of their car.
1. Please don't go.
2. I know I have to be a grown up and I have to watch you drive away and adjust to a new normal without your face or your influence, but it is NEVER the same. I will never wake up and say, I used to have Emily, but now I have my new friend Amy so I don't miss Em any more. I will always miss her. Friends are not replaceable. Sure I will continue to make friends, but nobody ever fills the hole you left.
3. It is a big goodbye. We can visit and we will have girls' weekends and send Christmas cards and stuff, but there's something to be said for running into each other at the gym, and scheduling last minute coffee dates, and borrowing each other's clothes. And making faces at each other in church.
4. We as adults have the resources and ability to stay in contact, but our children, who love each other as much as we do, do not. They will inevitably grow apart and this really messes with my visions of the future.
5. Please don't go. I will visit you if you leave, but please don't go.
The bottom line is that I am up close and personal with the inevitable heartbreak that comes along with loving people. I am trying, most of the time, to be an adult about it but the STRUGGLE IS REAL on this one. I just don't wanna. I am working on becoming a grown up person that can hold friends in my heart and love them from afar if needed. It's so hard and surprising and sad and most days feels like a gut punch. I walk around feeling this awful vague "something is wrong" feeling and then I remember and it hits me all over again. I hate it.
The absolute worst thing about being a fast processor is that my wheels are just spinning through all the arguments, all the possible outcomes, wondering how long it is before the friendship wanes, censoring all of the things I want to say, especially in regard to the future. I can't turn it off. I'm just sad and I can't shake it.
Here's what I'm navigating right now: what if I found my people, I have a tribe, and one of them is moving away?
Seriously, I'm getting a little PTSD from when things are supposedly running smoothly in life. The other foot is about to drop. Even though change is such a natural part of life, it just doesn't jive with me. It wasn't my idea and therefore my selfish heart wants to reject and put air quotes around these "new ideas."
So here's my perspective. I've never been the leaver, I've only been left. I have had a succession of wonderful friends move away and it just never gets easier. Here's what I wish I could say. And by say I mean I wish I could sky write this. I wish I could spray paint this on their driveway. I wish I could glue this message in Scrabble tiles to the hood of their car.
1. Please don't go.
2. I know I have to be a grown up and I have to watch you drive away and adjust to a new normal without your face or your influence, but it is NEVER the same. I will never wake up and say, I used to have Emily, but now I have my new friend Amy so I don't miss Em any more. I will always miss her. Friends are not replaceable. Sure I will continue to make friends, but nobody ever fills the hole you left.
3. It is a big goodbye. We can visit and we will have girls' weekends and send Christmas cards and stuff, but there's something to be said for running into each other at the gym, and scheduling last minute coffee dates, and borrowing each other's clothes. And making faces at each other in church.
4. We as adults have the resources and ability to stay in contact, but our children, who love each other as much as we do, do not. They will inevitably grow apart and this really messes with my visions of the future.
5. Please don't go. I will visit you if you leave, but please don't go.
The bottom line is that I am up close and personal with the inevitable heartbreak that comes along with loving people. I am trying, most of the time, to be an adult about it but the STRUGGLE IS REAL on this one. I just don't wanna. I am working on becoming a grown up person that can hold friends in my heart and love them from afar if needed. It's so hard and surprising and sad and most days feels like a gut punch. I walk around feeling this awful vague "something is wrong" feeling and then I remember and it hits me all over again. I hate it.
The absolute worst thing about being a fast processor is that my wheels are just spinning through all the arguments, all the possible outcomes, wondering how long it is before the friendship wanes, censoring all of the things I want to say, especially in regard to the future. I can't turn it off. I'm just sad and I can't shake it.
Monday, January 18, 2016
Call me crazy but I thought there was an Earthquake Warning today...
May the Good Lord have mercy on me for all the ridiculous things I said and did this morning. And may He have mercy on you too, for all the laughing you are about to do. At my expense.
It started out as such a nice morning. I slept in, and my oldest daughter, who is starting to understand The Way Things Ought to Be, brought me breakfast in bed, bless her. I'll leave her half my kingdom.
Anyway, I was sitting in bed, reading my Facebook newsfeed when a few of my "FB friends," who are no longer friends of mine, posted an article from Eugene Daily News, a reasonably real sounding site about how the Juan de Fuca plate in the Pacific ocean off the Oregon coast had sunk 4 feet in the early morning hours of TODAY. It cited a buoy number 46404 with the National Buoy Data Service that had been recording and relaying this information. For those of you who have followed the potential Big One in Oregon, you know that slippage of tectonic plates along the Cascadia Subduction Zone will be a very bad thing for the Northwest.
Hear me now friends, I had not yet had any coffee. I heard these words and phrases: Oregon Earthquake Warning, Tectonic Plates Moving, Earthquake Imminent, Tsunami Imminent.
I panicked a little bit, and then told myself to be reasonable. What could I do to prepare? Nothing has happened yet. With the Lord as my witness, I truly thought that since I hadn't washed my hair in a few days, a very pressing matter should we experience a 9.0 earthquake here in Western Oregon would be the cleanliness of my hair. I hopped in the shower and wondered if the quake might hit before I got my shampoo rinsed. Would I lose water immediately? Wait, was that a little tremor? Is it starting? No. False alarm. I finished my shower, plugged in my cell phone, found my husband's crank radio and decided that the people I love needed to hear about this. Maybe my husband should head home. He didn't answer his phone. My next move may haunt me for a while. I carefully composed a text to him.
It said, "There is an earthquake warning off the Oregon coast today. The Juan de Fuca tectonic plate (along the Cascadia Subduction Zone) dropped over 4 feet in a matter of hours this morning between 2:30-6:00 am. There is a buoy that measures the water column and sends info to shore and the change is dramatic. A change of inches would be news and entire square miles of the ocean floor dropped four feet in about four hours. I am freaking out."
There. Just the facts. Because I love him and we need to protect our children together. But then I had the thought...what about the other people I love? I should probably relay this important life-saving information to my mom. And my dad. Well, probably my brothers for sure. And my neighbor, because she's awesome and we'll be in this survival business together once everything starts. So, ok fine. I sent it to a couple people. A few. BECAUSE I LOVE THEM.
Now that my hair was clean, my family was warned, it was time for preparation. I put a little product in my hair (because who knew when I might be able to blow dry it again?) and started making a mental list. I also googled Oregon Earthquake Warning and found, well, not a whole lot. I will with shame admit to you that I considered that I might be on the early warning side of this disaster and that the major news outlets would follow my lead soon.
Just as I was thinking of how I might prepare for this tragic day, I began to receive texts in response to my level headed warnings to those I love. The messages said things like "How many people have you sent this to?" "What link are you reading?" and my favorite "How come I haven't seen anything about this on the news?" And just like that, the tide turned. Not because of tectonic plates either.
Because I am thorough and responsible (CLEARLY) I looked up the National Buoy Data Center, which is a real thing, and referenced buoy number 46404 from the article. It's a real buoy, a few miles off of Astoria, Oregon (a real town.) The readings were normal from today.
So, new public service announcement: nothing big happening with the Cascadia Subduction Zone today. But I might have proven to be a tiny bit gullible, a smidge crazy, with just a touch of alarmist. I'm sorry! I thought it was real. My mind went to the Bad Place and it was only slowly retrieved.
Carry on Oregonians. We can live in this glorious place for another day.
It started out as such a nice morning. I slept in, and my oldest daughter, who is starting to understand The Way Things Ought to Be, brought me breakfast in bed, bless her. I'll leave her half my kingdom.
Anyway, I was sitting in bed, reading my Facebook newsfeed when a few of my "FB friends," who are no longer friends of mine, posted an article from Eugene Daily News, a reasonably real sounding site about how the Juan de Fuca plate in the Pacific ocean off the Oregon coast had sunk 4 feet in the early morning hours of TODAY. It cited a buoy number 46404 with the National Buoy Data Service that had been recording and relaying this information. For those of you who have followed the potential Big One in Oregon, you know that slippage of tectonic plates along the Cascadia Subduction Zone will be a very bad thing for the Northwest.
Hear me now friends, I had not yet had any coffee. I heard these words and phrases: Oregon Earthquake Warning, Tectonic Plates Moving, Earthquake Imminent, Tsunami Imminent.
I panicked a little bit, and then told myself to be reasonable. What could I do to prepare? Nothing has happened yet. With the Lord as my witness, I truly thought that since I hadn't washed my hair in a few days, a very pressing matter should we experience a 9.0 earthquake here in Western Oregon would be the cleanliness of my hair. I hopped in the shower and wondered if the quake might hit before I got my shampoo rinsed. Would I lose water immediately? Wait, was that a little tremor? Is it starting? No. False alarm. I finished my shower, plugged in my cell phone, found my husband's crank radio and decided that the people I love needed to hear about this. Maybe my husband should head home. He didn't answer his phone. My next move may haunt me for a while. I carefully composed a text to him.
It said, "There is an earthquake warning off the Oregon coast today. The Juan de Fuca tectonic plate (along the Cascadia Subduction Zone) dropped over 4 feet in a matter of hours this morning between 2:30-6:00 am. There is a buoy that measures the water column and sends info to shore and the change is dramatic. A change of inches would be news and entire square miles of the ocean floor dropped four feet in about four hours. I am freaking out."
There. Just the facts. Because I love him and we need to protect our children together. But then I had the thought...what about the other people I love? I should probably relay this important life-saving information to my mom. And my dad. Well, probably my brothers for sure. And my neighbor, because she's awesome and we'll be in this survival business together once everything starts. So, ok fine. I sent it to a couple people. A few. BECAUSE I LOVE THEM.
Now that my hair was clean, my family was warned, it was time for preparation. I put a little product in my hair (because who knew when I might be able to blow dry it again?) and started making a mental list. I also googled Oregon Earthquake Warning and found, well, not a whole lot. I will with shame admit to you that I considered that I might be on the early warning side of this disaster and that the major news outlets would follow my lead soon.
Just as I was thinking of how I might prepare for this tragic day, I began to receive texts in response to my level headed warnings to those I love. The messages said things like "How many people have you sent this to?" "What link are you reading?" and my favorite "How come I haven't seen anything about this on the news?" And just like that, the tide turned. Not because of tectonic plates either.
Because I am thorough and responsible (CLEARLY) I looked up the National Buoy Data Center, which is a real thing, and referenced buoy number 46404 from the article. It's a real buoy, a few miles off of Astoria, Oregon (a real town.) The readings were normal from today.
So, new public service announcement: nothing big happening with the Cascadia Subduction Zone today. But I might have proven to be a tiny bit gullible, a smidge crazy, with just a touch of alarmist. I'm sorry! I thought it was real. My mind went to the Bad Place and it was only slowly retrieved.
Carry on Oregonians. We can live in this glorious place for another day.
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