You guys. I almost named this blog Old Mom and then I was like NO. Just no.
Where do I even start with this school year? My 3 kids have started at 2 new schools. In the space of a week, we went from the recently disdained Summer Freedom to new schools with mommy driving everyone, everyday. We started Bible study, volleyball for Elsa, city league volleyball for me, soccer and basketball for Josh, also I thought maybe I would repaint the interior of my house. Also I run a business from home. Also I am crazy.
Side note, but I am getting a solid C- in the first month of school. We've lost library books, we've lost permission slips, mommy can't volunteer in class because of forgotten applications, I keep showing up to pick up Elsa from volleyball practice at 4:30 and then realize it ends at 5. On Wednesday I forgot my BABY GIRL had early release at 1:30 and I showed up to school at 2 and found her waiting for me in the office. Forget Mom of the Year at this point. I just hope they don't stop allowing Amelia to get milk at lunch because I still haven't given the school any money.
We decided to put my baby into Kindergarten even though she qualified by age by exactly 1 day. She's the youngest possible kindergartener, and she's in full day school. I did not properly prepare myself for this transition, and my brain keeps telling me that it's hard because I needed exactly ONE ENTIRE YEAR of preschool to note all the sweet lasts. Last year of the pumpkin patch field trip, last year of bringing snack to share, last year home with mommy. But then, preschool ended. And the idea of my not exactly genius, but somewhat bright little girl going to back to baby school seemed really silly. She is the boss of that class and she told them so. It's over for us having a cubby with a change of clothes in case of an accident. She knows all the preschool things, and lots of other stuff too, like how to get adults to talk to her and how everyone thinks it's cute when she brags about herself. Heaven help us.
So, without the proper goodbye to her babyhood, this September arrived and with it, the long awaited day. All three kids in school. All day long. I don't want to sound like a bad mom or anything, but I've been anticipating this since 2003, when I had a baby pretty young and was sitting on the couch nursing 94 hours a day and crying for my lost life of freedom. I just don't think most people fully understand how different kids make your life until you have one sweetly squalling in your arms and the responsibility falls like a heavy blanket, but does not include sleep. The buck stops with you. Never before have you been fully responsible for a person, a human being!
So anyway, I've made all kinds of promises to myself in the difficult moments of parenting over the last 13 years. Things like "I will enjoy myself! Go out to lunch with girlfriends! Actually attend Bible study!" But most of all "I WILL NOT BE SAD." And here's the thing... I am. A little bit. It's not overwhelming, and I've been enjoying the school hours ok, it's just that I have come to a new realization about this freedom. First of all, it's a bit of a facade, because I have all the responsibilities of 3 kids in school and running a household and a business and sports schedules and meal prep.
But also. I am SO BUSY during the morning rush, the afternoon pickups, practices, and petitions, that it really highlights that in the middle of it, I am alone.
It just hit me that all of this parenting and child raising and effort and busy life is for the purpose of launching these crazies out into the world and making me more and more alone. And I hate being alone! Can't we arrange something where we gradually introduce roommates as the children move out? You know, fun people who don't hate my cooking and do their own laundry? It could be a bit of an upgrade if I play it right.
So in summary: I probably should make some effort toward personal growth through this season of transition. I am good with kids being in school. SO GOOD. I allow moments of sentimentality occasionally and then I move swiftly back into the moment. The right now, the TODAY that is happening. I am feeling my creative juices (the ones that result in playing pranks on my father in law) starting to flow again. It's ok if you are impressed with how totally Zen I am, because I am going to find myself and the things and people I enjoy during these precious daytime hours. I will go to spin class and I will coach my clients, and I will redecorate. (Honey??)
And these kids will grow and I will enjoy it. And my house will sometimes be quiet and I will enjoy it. And I will hire a cleaning lady because shouldn't the house be cleaner if only I am here all day?
And then the house will be clean and I will enjoy it. And I will drive to the beach if it's going to be sunny and I will enjoy it. And I will have time to be there for my friends and make new ones too and I will enjoy it. And I will read all the books. And I will write. And I will send actual letters to people I love and I will enjoy it. And I will.
